As the days pass on, my heart sinks deeper and deeper into the reminders of yesterday.

Pain of the past lingers and suffocates me as if it were a broken bottle of axe lying on the ground.

Flashbacks imprinted on my mind play before me, as if to taunt me.

My appearance is comely, but my mind is a crime scene. 

The heart that God has blessed me with was torn, a gruesome sight.

Battered, bruised, gashed, broken stitches from the multiple attempts to piece it back together. 

I lost hope, it was too much of an arduous task, the past may not have gotten my appearance, but it sure got my heart.

Then he came into my life. At first it was a childish relationship. One day we were friends, then world war three bombed. 

But overtime we grew within each other. He moved away, and in his absence I found myself little by little. He always came back.

It’s not quite love, but I’m having a hard time explaining it. 

It’s a physical feeling. with my heart.

I can feel each and every broken, scarred, irrelevant piece of my heart, finding it’s place.

This time stitched with love, and wrapped in warmth. 

He is mending mending my heart, little by little. 

It’s different this time. 

She looked at the world through wounded eyes. Her scarred heart disclosed a story unlike any other. She often felt alone, although she, deep down, understood that she wasn’t. Numb to all feelings, she walked this world on auto-pilot. Never held the hope she longed for, the hope for one thing. One thing she thought would one day fix all her problems. Often times, she would stop and ask herself “Why continue? What will I end up as?” She didn’t want to continue.She wanted to end it all right there. Her longing for hope turned to gaping wounds, sizzling burns, and unexplained marks. But those weren’t enough. “I wonder what would happen if I popped this pill.” because her line of choice, “Maybe I’ll add another”, quickly followed. Although at times she felt on top of the world, her life was falling apart, spiraling downward too fast beneath her feet for her to catch herself. No one, NO ONE, knew the extent to which she was going to find help, because she played it off. One day, after a gaping slit was cut into her thigh, she got a message. A message that would change her life. A boy. The hope. He was facing many of the same inner demons. She no longer was fighting them on her own. He made her struggles, his own. He had shown her that she can make it. He loved her. He truly loved her. The hope that she longed for was slowly being restored. The razors, fire, rubber, and pills weren’t anywhere on her level anymore. She was alive. She had a reason to live. Although the sky was still cloudy, she noticed the sun pouring through. No longer was her world crumbing beneath her.

My youth group, Pastor and I have all decided that we are going to take part in a 30 day Tumblr and facebook fast. This is in an attempt to clear our minds of toxic influences and get into the REAL book, the Bible.

Thank you all for understanding - I WILL be back <3 

As a member of the Student Ministry at my church, Celebration International Church, I have been chosen to attend a student missions trip to the Dominican Republic in July 16-24, 2012.

CIC will partner with local churches in Santo Dominigo area along with the international organization, Convoy of Hope. Our goal, along with Convoy of Hope is to provide help and hope to these people in need, bring hope, healing through food, medicine, and clothing distribution to area children’s orphanages and homeless families.

This trip will cost $900; it is inclusive of my airfare, food, accommodation and transportation. With that being said, I would like to ask for your support in helping me raise it. This along with fundraising afforts and personal contributations should help me reach my goal.

My first payment, which secures my airline ticket is due on April 13 for $500.

I will appreciate any assistance you will give me. Even a donation of $5 will help. If you think you could help me, please message me. 

God bless you 

I didn’t think it would make me feel THIS bad to know you didn’t call me this morning.. 

I keep thinking back  to  Thursday night, in your arms. Trusting you with everything I had, Giving you everything I had. I think back to Friday night, and how you hugged me and didn’t let me go even though I couldn’t hold on, through my tears you held me. I keep picturing you, your smile, your eyes, your hands, your walk, the way you say my name, the way you would call me and sing, the way you look into my eyes. 

Gosh, I can’t stand this. 

Why was my book written his way? Why did I do that? Why is he so perfect to me. I knew he didn’t want to do it, his eyes were hurting and sincere. His words broke me. Why God, why did You do this? I’m so incredibly proud of him, but I’m so BROKEN. He made me cry, he wanted a hug, I couldn’t give it to him. I fell to my knees and cried right on front of him. He asked me not to cry. I couldn’t help it, God, I couldn’t. I don’t want anyone but him. He told me he is bettering his life for both of us, but I still don’t get it. Why am I crying so much. I’ve never loved a boyfriend, but I love him. He called me ‘babe’ and ‘baby’ and said that I deserve to be spoiled, and he wants to spoil me. and he fought me when I said I didn’t. He hugged me and I just…. bawled. In his arms. He is just… beautiful to me. I don’t want to hurt anymore. He told me he loved me so much, and that he wants to marry me, and that he isn’t going to look for anyone else. but that’s not enough for me. I’m SO proud of him for wanting to better himself and his life, but I can’t act like I’m not completely ripped to shreds. I gave him something I can never get back. He told me he loved me, and I’m worth it. “You’re worth it” is my statement to him, I ALWAYS tell him that he is worth it to me. and when he said it to me, I couldn’t take it anymore. He just told me he loved me, and told me I should go inside because it was cold. He told me he would call me later. As SOOn as I got inside me house, I let it all go, I leaned against the wall and sat on the ground and just, cried. My mom came over and asked what was wrong, and she was trying to tell me it’s a good thing what he is doing. My sister just hugged me and stood me up. I ran into the bathroom and my sister came with me and I just cried with her for and hour. He broke me. He texted me, but I didn’t answer. He called me, and I let it ring, I don’t know what I would say to him. I want to talk to him, but I don’t want him to hurt me more. I can’t even remember the last time I cried this much, I cried myself to sleep, and woke up and have been crying since. I love him. I want him. He is worth it to me. He’s broken me. He’s gone. I’m dead inside. 

Why, God? Why did You do this to me?

Staring into your eyes makes me feel warm and comfortable,

Like nothing can interfere in that moment and take it away,

Almost like taking a moment and making everything clear an crystal,

The way our hands fit together, there is no leeway,

Your words are sweet as chocolate and clear as day,

You spontaneously make me feel beautiful, even in my worst moments,

Every time we part my heart says, I wish we could stay,

You even are able to put up with me, which takes grave patience,

You make me feel sexy at the most perfect times, 

You’re willing to work with me to help see a change,

The way you grab me and say “This is mine.”

I see our love growing and flowing into a priceless exchange. 

…and on that note. I’m off to Boston. 

God I need You. I need to be filled with You and only You. I’m putting too much thought into a relationship that is tearing me apart. He says he loves me, then cuts me out of his life, because of a stupid nonchalant comment. He’s such an amazing guy, when he isn’t being rude and disreapectful. He makes me feel like I’M doing wrong, when I know it’s our way of thinking. We are on two different sides of maturity. He needs to mature more, before he can understand me, but I’m not willing to give him the time to do so, because I’m stubborn and want him, now. We have the same wants and goals and needs, and we have the same feelings on different things, but he has such a short temper, and when you reach him limit, you’re done. God I need YOU. I need less of this fixation and more of You. I need You to guide me to the right direction. I need you to help him and I become better people. I pray that i don’t lose him, however.. Please God, I need you.